


no one sees me when I crawl back underneath

by Purpledrapes



Category: SK8 the Infinity (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Developing Relationship, Family Issues, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Growing Up, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Minor Character Death, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-04
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 22:01:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29848134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Purpledrapes/pseuds/Purpledrapes
Summary: A look at the past in three parts.
Relationships: Nanjo Kojiro | Joe/Sakurayashiki Kaoru | Cherry Blossom
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. Sprout

The one thing quelling the fear and apprehensions Kojiro would be feeling at starting at his new school was the skateboard stuffed in his backpack-his books and packed lunch squashed haphazardly around his bag while half the skateboard stuck out. If anything would get him attention and new friends, it would be his skateboard; smooth, bright red and beautiful. Grinning with pride, scrapped knees and ankles covered with Spiderman stickers; he marched past the school gates.

Attention, friends and a row of kids crowding his desk begging to use it during playtime made Kojiro preen with pride. This of course lasted five minutes before the teacher came in, told him off and promptly confiscated it.

Attention was a double-edged sword. No wonder his brother always called him a snot nosed show off. Old wounds of shame and fear knotted his heart as he remembered his brother. How would he explain losing the skateboard his brother had lent him? His last gift to him before going to university and Kojiro had already screwed it up. He ignored the calls of his new friends, pretended not to hear them so he could cry in peace in the toilet stall. Why was he such an idiot? A big show off and a loser. How is he going to keep these friends now? How were his teachers ever going to like him now that he’s clearly the biggest troublemaker in the class? Oh god, are they going to call mum? The thought of her disappointment caused his tears to swell up. He didn’t bother wiping it off or the snout oozing out. He deserved this. 

He was saved from the spiralling of his thoughts by the bang of the toilet doors opening. He covered his mouths with his hands; the last thing he needed on top of all this was everyone thinking he was a cry baby. 

The footsteps came closer, close enough for Kojiro to see the figure standing right outside his stall. 

“Hey, I know your there.” Said a voice that sounded far too calm and casual for someone talking to a stranger through a bathroom stall. 

There was no way Kojiro was answering this weirdo-he doubted his voice would hold up long enough before it wobbled at turned into sobs. His heart ached at what a baby he was being. Why couldn’t this boy leave him alone? 

“Hey!” Kojiro yelped-tears momentarily forgotten as a pair of amber eyes glared at him from the gap at the bottom of the bathroom stall door. “Stop ignoring me dumbass! I’m trying to help you!”

“What is wrong with you! I could have had by trousers down!” Kojiro tried to ignore how shrill he sounded now, standing on top of the closed toilet seat as is trying to get away from the rat faces boy pink haired weirdo. 

“I could hear you crying from outside. I doubt you have the multi-tasking skills to cry and poo at the same time if your dumb enough to bring a skateboard to school.’ 

Heart sinking and face flushed in shame, Kojiro wiped his face with his sleeve. 

Seeming to sense he said something wrong the other boy got off the ground; giving Kojiro a moment to hide his tears. 

“Look I’ve had lots of stuff taken from me too. I can help you get it back if you want.” 

Tears momentarily forgotten, Kojiro opened the door-fumbling with the lock in his excitement. 

“Really? You can get the teachers to give it back to me!” He was so happy he could kiss him! 

The boy actually started to laugh. On seeing his face fully for the first time Kojiro had to admit he wasn’t as rat faced as he expected but he definitely had the rotten personality of a rat. His bowl cut pink hear wasn’t helping his case however...

“Don’t laugh at me!” Kojiro glared. 

“Sorry…sorry!”, the boy said waving his arms around as if to sooth Kojiro’s bruised ego. “But if you think we can just get a teacher to give it to you, you definitely don’t know what it’s like to get things confiscated.” 

“I don’t! I’m not like that!” 

“I can tell. Look, it’s still playtime, I’ve just walked past the staffroom windows and no one is there...” 

“…okay?” 

“There is an open window.” 

“What are you saying?” 

“Wow,” the boy laughed, face in his palm, “You look like a classic troublemaker but you don’t have a clue what to do you! We break in obviously! They can’t pin it on us. Especially if I dump the skateboard somewhere and teacher sees you without it before break is over with.” 

“Are you sure?” 

“Trust me.” 

With a grin as wide as his, Kojiro could just about forgive the boy for laughing at him and if he got his skateboard back then he most definitely had himself a new best friend. 

“Alright! Let’s go!” He took the other boy’s hand in his and dragged him long with him. 

“Oh my god, what are you doing! Have you even washed your hands?” he ripped his hands out of the other boy’s hand in disgust. 

“Um, actually,” Kojiro turned around with his hands punched up on his hips, “I should ask you the same questions, weren’t you just sitting on a public bathroom floor!”

“I didn’t touch my hands on the floor!” the other boy glared. Kojiro hated arguing and hated making people angry with him. But something about the little apostrophe of a smile that lingered at the edge of his lip and the twitch in his eyebrow made Kojiro think this was maybe alright. He pressed on. 

“Nah, dude that was gross! Your cheek was rubbing on the ground too! I saw it!” 

The smirks of approval on the other boy’s face as he yelled his protest made Kojiro thing he passed some secret test. 

____________________________________________________________________________________________

By the time they had almost come to the conclusion on who was the grossest out of the two and on the validity of the five second rule in a bathroom setting-playtime was over with and their moment to reclaim the skateboard snatched away. But Kaoru only helped push on Kojiro’s determination to get his brother’s skateboard back from the clutches of what Kaoru dubbed the ‘Frog Faced Fart’. In turn Kojiro gave his time in helping Kaoru escape the many detentions he seemed to get himself into, had his back ready with excuses when needed in the face of the ‘Frog Faced Fart’ and even helped him jump over the school fence that one time Kaoru said he needed to go home. 

Kojiro’s mother would call him a bad influence if she knew, he was sure of it. But there were things his mum didn’t need to know. She wouldn’t understand Kaoru. 

She wouldn’t get that he was funny and smart. That he was the one thing making him forget how much he missed his brother. That while he may get in a lot of trouble, he had never made Kojiro skip classes with him. That he always did his homework and never let Kojiro cheat off him with his work but instead helped him with his homework and schoolwork when asked (even if it meant getting in trouble for talking in class). Kojiro didn’t understand how someone as smart as Kaoru could keep getting in trouble; he noticed how often the teacher’s eye’s lingered on Kaoru and how often he was blamed for everything. From a missing pencil case to a bin being tipped over accidently; Kaoru seemed to get blamed for all of it. Their teachers’ eyes snapping at him like a string being pulled at the slight shift in the class or hint of disturbance. No wonder Kaoru hated being in school. 

The other thing that kept him from school was his mum. 

Kaoru didn’t speak about her often but Kojiro had come to his own conclusion from what he had gathered from Kaoru and from what the other kids said about him behind his back while he was bunking (Why did they speak about him but never bother to actually talk to him? Kojiro was a pretty happy kid but the one thing he hated was how the other kids talked about Kaoru. Was he all alone before Kojiro came, with no one to defend him against the insidious whispers of this class and the accusations of their teachers?). His classmates all agreed Kaoru’s mother was a drug addict or a recovering addict or something or the other which meant she didn’t deserve their sympathies. Kojiro hated them. All he knew was that Kaoru’s mother was sick. With what he had no idea.

It was just before the start of spring when Kaoru was taken away. 

_______________________________________________________________________________

“Hey! Kaoru! Kaoru! You in there?” 

He hadn’t been in school for a week. Kojiro knew what it means to miss someone, to miss them even when your surrounded by other kids who like you and play with you and give you attention. He knew what it means to be lonely even when you’re not alone. It’s worse when you have no idea what’s going on or if their okay or if their coming back. 

The door was open abruptly. Kaoru almost fell over as he was leaning against the door as he banged on it. He felt embarrassment creep up his spine at his rudeness. What had possessed him to bang on the door yelling so loudly-he must have disrupted the neighbours. Has a week away from Kaoru really driven him this crazy? 

“Can I help you?” said the man who Kojiro assumed was Kaoru’s father. He looked drained. Eye’s sunken but alive with something between the narrow line of anguish and anger. Kojiro took a step back. 

“Is...is Kaoru home?” Kojiro would never call himself a shy person. But under the eyes of this man. This man who looked ready to strike him if he so much as looked at him; he felt timid and small. The man looked gaunt enough for a slight breeze to knock him down but his face was hardened enough to fight back and rip the wind apart; Kojiro couldn’t blame himself for feeling afraid. Could this man be Kaoru (funny, smart and always a second away from a smirk) father? 

“He’s busy with chores now and can’t come to see you.” Voice low but leaving no room for argument. “I’ll let him know you stopped by.” 

Feeling like had been reprimanded, Kojiro took a step back as the door closed.   
Then almost like a physical reprimanded, something fell on his head. 

He looked up to see Kaoru leaning out from the window having thrown something to get his attention. He mimed something about coming through the back and Kojiro grinned; relief washing through him as he climbed the wooden fence that led to the backdoor; he learned trespassing from the best after all. 

He waited a minute or two for Kaoru to come down, fearing all the while his gaunt like father would reappear but more distracted by an overwhelming amount of relief. He hadn’t realised it up until this moment but he had somehow believed that it was his fault Kaoru wasn’t in school. 

“My mum’s dead.” 

Kojiro gapped at the other boy before turning away. He couldn’t look. Couldn’t speak. It felt cruel to break the sudden silence, felt like acknowledge Kaoru’s words would be bringing it into life, manifesting her death and bringing it to reality. In this moment underneath the sprouting leaves of the oak tree; silence felt like mercy. Felt like clemency, compassion. But it was also cowardly. Felt like his throat would be ripped out if he acknowledged the others pain, if he looked at those dead eyes, too similar to his fathers. Kojiro had always been a coward. A coward who couldn’t say goodbye to his brother, a coward for not admitting his brother, just like Kaoru’s mother, would never come back. A coward who couldn’t be there for his best friend whose light was surely dying. 

“I’m moving away.” Kaoru pushed on, always braver than he could be.

“With your dad?”, he croaked out after a moment of merciful silence. The thought of Kaoru staying with that man whose presence sucked the life and soul out of anything near him made Kojjo's heart clench with fear. He couldn’t let that happen. Kaoru needed him. Not his father, not the kids and their whispers and not those teachers with their stares. He needed him. And Kaoru, who could never handle being alone, needed him back. 

“My dad can’t look after me…he’s not okay. He’s sick.”

“Like your mum?”

“No…like in his mind. He can’t have me. Sometimes I think he doesn’t want me.”

“That’s not true!” If it meant protecting Kaoru from a ridiculous lie, Kojiro could somehow find his courage and his voice. “That’s a bullshit lie! How could he not want you?” He grasped onto the other's hand. He wouldn’t let it go. 

The other smirked. But it didn’t fit his face. 

“Look,” said Kaoru, who was braver and kinder; smarter and better than he’d ever be, patting his hands on his shoulder, "You’d better get that skateboard back from tht Frog Faced rotten excuse of a teacher, you hear me! Else I’d never forgive you!” 

To his shame he started to cry. 

“Say you’ll do it! Say it!” Kaoru gave him a shake, voice desperate. 

“I promise...” he sobbed, voice wobbling and clinging onto his throat chocking him unforgivingly. “I promise Kaoru! They won’t keep it from me!” 

“Hell, yeah they won’t.” As if in acknowledgment to him, tears filled Kaoru’s eyes as well but Kojiro knew he’d never let it fall. 

“When are you going?” 

“I’m packing now.” 

Kojiro tried to focus on the hand that was still in his. On the one the hand still on his shoulder. Hands now still and calm. 

“Where will you go?”

“I don’t know…maybe my auntie, she has lot of kids though but I can look after myself. She only lives a few hours away though so we can still see each other.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yep, I’ll even skateboard all the way over if she won’t drive me.” 

“And when I get mine back, I can come to you too.” 

They shared a small tentative smile. 

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

Like many of their promises in the decades to come; some are easier to keep than others.


	2. Spring

Waking up to the blaring ring of his phone was not what Kojiro would call a good time. Especially not at (he rubbed at his eyes to glare at the clock across the room) two o-effing-clock in the morning. Fuck. 

Groaning, he grabbed his phone that was stuffed under his pillow. 

🌸 Kao Kao Cherry Blossom 🌸

The way his anger eased way like a placated beast was quite frankly ridiculous, Kojiro thought.

He picked up. There was no sound other than of Kaoru’s breathing. Kaoru allowed him these few moments of silence. It was always a game to see who would’ break the silence on nights like this- a game he would always win, he knew how much Kaoru needed silence when his whirling thoughts kept him awake (which has been growing in numbers in the past weeks) and how he needed a steady breath to focus on. Not that either of them would admit it. The amount that went unsaid between them could build bridges and mountains. Something that could bridge them together but distance them at the same time. 

“Were you awake?” Kaoru breathed out. Kojiro would do him the honour of not mention how his voice broke. 

“No thanks to you, asshole.” He scoffed. Turning to lie on his back. 

“I keep telling you to put your phone on sleep mode before bed.” 

“Look Kaoru, I refuse to miss out on any chance to call you an asshole? Not on my watch. No sleep is worth it.” 

It was the other boys turn to scoff. Kojiro could see the smirk and slight raise of the other boy's eyebrows when he closed his eyes. The way his hair was probably coming out of the tight twist he put it in every night. He was probably sitting in his aunt’s living room to avoid waking up his cousin. Knees drawn up on the windowsill free arm wrapped around his waist as he stared into the sky. Kojiro turned his head towards his window to look at the gleaming white moon, like a white hole in the dark sky. It made him feel closer to Kaoru, knowing they were staring at the same sky. Kaoru probably appreciated its artistic beauty a lot more than he ever could. 

“What are you thinking about?” It was always Kaoru reaching out to break the silence. 

“Nothing really.”

“Not much in there to begin with to be fair.” 

Kojiro smirked, god he was so predictable. The familiar insult was comforting. Like an old, practised routine.

“Wondering when you’ll leave me alone and let me sleep actually.” He said tone mocking. 

“Can’t sleep.” the other returned, losing the edge of his humour. 

“Probably your shit music taste keeping you up! I found this really good lo-fi playlist. I can send you if you want?” 

“Shut up. And I’m good thank you, just can’t stop thinking. Not something you can relate to.” 

“Okay, haha, I get it. Me big dumb oaf with no brain, you big brain genius man.” 

“Well, I’m glad you said it.” 

“Thinking about your dad?”

Kaoru let out a long sigh. Kojiro felt almost guilty by hitting the nails on the coffin and ending their familiar routine. 

“I don’t want to be with him but I do, if that makes any sense.” Kaoru finally replied, if he closed his eyes Kojiro could see him biting his lip. “I feel guilty not going now that he needs me-he’s already lost everything and I …I don’t know, I’m being stupid.” 

“Well, I’m glad you said it.” 

“Your stupidity is contagious after all.” 

“Just wait till we start school together when you move back here then we’ll talk about who’s spreading the stupidity.” 

“I don’t think we can hang out anymore if it means my brain cells are going to rot.” 

“If anything, I’m giving your brain cells good taste.” 

“No thanks. I’ve seen your bedroom and that’s not what I call taste.”

“We’ll see about taste soon enough. You’ll finally have your own room to decorate when you move in with your dad.”

“I’m not decorating that room.”

“Hey, why not? It’s still yours-don’t be afraid to take up space, dude.” 

“I’m only going to be there a year before I move away to uni.” 

They both paused for a moment to reflect on the absurdity of the words. University. Moving away. It felt too surreal...too grown up. 

“Well...” Kojiro said into the silence. “at least we get to spend this last year together. Hey what if we’re in the same home room!” 

“God forbid.” 

“Don’t lie, you love me.” 

“Hhmm…” 

“That wasn’t a no!” 

“Don’t get delusional you big dumb oaf.” 

“Ouch.” He laughed.

“Your words not mine.” 

“Look. Don’t think about that miserable git. You’re not moving in with him you’re moving back to me.” He felt himself blush and spluttered on, hoping Kaoru wouldn’t linger on that statement. “You’re ging to a school where you can have actual friends. You’re moving away from sharing a room with others and you can finally have your own space. No more cousins looking through your stuff. It’ll be worth it moving back with your dad.” 

“And it’s just one year.” Kaoru finished off for him.

“And it’s just one year.” He echoed. 

“Something tells me you won’t make it a peaceful and calming final year of high school for me at all.”

“Would you forgive me if I did?” He smirked and heard Kaoru’s approving huff in return. 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

In their constant competitive pursuit to one up each other there were few things Kojiro was willing to admit Kaoru was better at him at and anything they really butted heads on could easily be settled with their boards. Sure, you could say Kaoru was better at art compared to him, that his penmanship was better and his notes were a lot neater-but art was subjective and Kojiro refused to give him that even as he held up a stick figure image of a portrait he drew of Kaoru up against Kaoru detailed water coloured painting of him (how did he capture the colour of his eyes so well?). Beauty was in the eyes of the beholder after all. And seeing Kaoru infuriated expression as he insisted he captured his ugliness perfectly was just a bonus. 

Languages were objectively Kojiro’s domain but admitting that Kaoru was better than him in STEMS was an understatement that he could agree on full heartedly (the guy built a robot out of scraps!), at least in his head. 

But when it came down to it, there was never a subject Kaoru was ‘bad’ at. Despite appearances, his stoic attitude, ears full of piercing (administrated expertly by yours truly) and his tendencies to fall asleep in lesson-he cared deeply about his academics. Which explained Kojiro’s shock on seeing a completely blank page on Kaoru’s paper at the end of their exam. 

Before he could open his mouth (to say what he was not sure) Kaoru stood up, chair screeching horribly behind him and pale hair covering his face. He rushed out without a word or acknowledgment of their teacher calling out to them. 

Kojiro didn’t follow. He knew where to find him and he knew when the other boy needed space. 

He found him later, as the sun as setting and leaving them in a ray of dusky twilight, sitting with his back against the railing fiddling with a screwdriver and device he’d been working on. There were few places that held purely good memories but this was one of them. Despite their wildly different hobbies and differences in personality, skating was one of the few things that held them together, one of the few things that was just easy. 

“Hey, what’s that?” he said, sitting down beside him and immediately reaching for the other boy’s bag. “Looks like a car’s GPS.” He found the sandwich he was looking for in Kaoru’s bag and split it in half. 

“That’s because it is. I’m going to attach it to my board to gather data on my speed for my calculations later.” He turned to glare at the other boy with the sandwich stuffed in his mouth, “And get your own food, bitch.” He snatched one half of the sandwich out of the others hand. 

“Are you gonna eat it?” 

“Not hungry.” He huffed turning back to his device, leg jiggling and head bent down. Kojiro noted the fresh paint set beside him. All his gadgets had to look as good as they worked. Kaoru’s perfectionism would be the death of him. 

“Too anxious to eat?” The glare Kaoru gave him looked like betrayal. There were certain things that didn’t need to be said out loud and Kojiro felt guilty opening up this gate. 

“Too anxious to eat, too anxious to think, too anxious to do fucking anything.” The self-deprecation wasn’t like him (or at least not a part of him he showed readily) and it hurt to hear the pain in his voice. 

“What happened today?”

“I failed that’s what happened.” His eyes stayed averted as he spoke, focused on closing the seal of his device and picking up a thin tipped marker pen, “I looked at the exam and I couldn’t think. I couldn’t even read the page. It was all a mess and I couldn’t think. It’s like a came across a wall and nothing I came up with was good enough.” 

“But you know the material-we went over it last night. You know you know it!” he shifted closer to the other, bringing their shoulders closer together for comfort.

“I know I know the material. But when I’m in that room it all becomes too much. I can’t pick up a pen and I just...I panic. I can’t even breath.”

“It hasn’t always been like this though?” 

“No... it’s easier with maths. I can sometimes forget that I’m in an exam and I don’t have to come up with original ideas. The answer is right there in my head. But with anything else I can’t trust my mind to come up with anything.”

“Okay well...” Kojiro racked his brain and what he could say to make this better. To fix this. “We could talk to the teacher and-”

“You don’t need to fix this.” Kaoru turned to look at him, seeming to sense the others distress. Bright eyes intense and always one step ahead of everyone. “Not everything has a solution. I just need you to listen.” 

He sometimes forgets Kaoru has been with him since the start, in his best and his worst and knows him so intrinsically that words were unnecessary between them. That the layers of their words were transparent as daylight. 

“Okay.” He sighed, shifting his weight and slouching against the others shoulder, knowing the had a few minutes before Kaoru shoved him off. “I can do that.” 

They were silent for a while, but even the silence had weight and words. 

“There’s no way I can go to university like his. Better nip that dreams in the bud now.” 

“Is it your dream though? You never did like academics institutions.” 

“I don’t. They're a farce. A capitalist run machine that pushes out a herd of submissive, insecure and anxiety driven workforces. It has nothing to do with the love of knowledge and learning or art. It’s control and fear.” Hands clenched and eyes glowing, Kojiro loved seeing him like this. 

“So why are you going?” 

“Because I have to Kojiro! There is no one in my family who hasn’t! Who am I to do that? It’s what my dad wants. What…what my mother would have wanted.”

“Your mum didn’t want you to suffer.” 

“What do you know about her!” he snapped, shoving the other boy off his shoulder. “Don’t try and twist this around and use her against me, you don’t know shit.” 

Trying not to feel too hurt he peddled on. “I know enough to say whatever your dad wants from you probably has nothing to do with your best interest. You can’t spend your life bending backwards to make him proud.” 

“I’m not!” his voice was muffled, knees drawn up and face mushed into it. “I get to choose what I want to study. I like computer science, I love mechanics. I want to learn more about it and it makes me happy.” 

“Not when there are expectations and exams though.”

“No.” he agreed. “I don’t want to have to prove myself with and exam or a grade. It’s too much.”

“Okay, so hear me out. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and I have an idea for you.” 

“Another of your ingenious ideas?” he teased, lifting his head slightly to smirk at the other. “Your big brother tendencies are coming out again.”

“Shut up and look. You want to go to university to please your deckward dad- “

“He’s not-”

“Ay, ay,” he wiggled a finger to silence him, “no interruptions. So, go to university as planned but study something you love instead. Something where you don’t need to sit a time conditioned and flawed method of testing intelligence. Go in to study art!” 

“You think I haven’t thought of that genius? It’s not an option.”

“Why not! Job prospects? It’s not like you were ever going to use your science background to become a quote unquote ‘slave to the capitalism regime.’”

“They don’t deserve my inventions.” He agreed with a solemn nod. 

“Too right! So be an artist-do what makes you happy and make what makes you happy. Whether that’s a shitty narcissistic self-portrait or an AI that can teach you basic human social skills.” 

“Fuck off.” Despite his word, Kojiro could see the smile that touched his lips. He wasn’t sure how much of his advice had gotten through to him (they were both stubborn bastards) but Kojiro would do anything in his power to make sure that fire in his eyes never faded away. 

“Look, just think about it okay. No need to come up with an answer now but whatever you do don’t let your dad bully you into doing anything.” 

“When have I ever let myself be bullied.”

“Too right, that’s my job after all. Now you have to come over to mine and eat you big dummy.” He shot up to his feet and reached out a hand for the other boy. “It’s my turn to cook and I’ve this great idea for my pasta sauce.” 

Even as he vowed to not touch his food in fear of poisoning and pitied his little sisters for having to eat his cooking, Kaoru still took the other boy’s hands in his own. Their actions always revealed far more than their words ever could.

________________________________________________________________________________

He found him under the cherry tree just as he did every morning before school. Leaning against the wall with his board under his arm. Slight breeze caressing his hair and twirling it until it settled gentle on his shoulder. His pale eyelashes brushed against his check and brows relaxed, smooth out and content. Kojiro was willing to stand there, let time stay still just to watch him at one with the beauty of spring and the peacefulness of the breeze. 

But nothing could stop in time he thought as he called out to the other boy and jogged over. He knew the seasons would change, this year would end and their future was uncertain. But he would bottle these moments no matter where they went. 

They skated down the pavement in silence for a few minutes before Kojiro stopped and Kaoru turned around, eyebrows raised. 

“What?”

He took a deep breath. “Okay, look I got something that I much rather give you know then in school.”

“What do you mean something you can’t give to me in school? What the hell did you get you freak?” 

“Not like that!” he groaned, rubbing his face. “Look I know you said you don’t need a solution to your problems and that’s fine, I respect that. Even if you’re a stubborn bastard I can respect that. So, this isn’t something I’m giving you as a solution, okay? I repeat that’s not what this is! Take it how you will but- “ 

“You’re blabbering.” The other boy frowned and crossed his arms, suspicion growing. 

“Alright, aright don’t interrupt me! Rude as hell. Okay, so I got you something that I was going to give you for your birthday. Not that you deserve a gift after the shit you pulled at my party- “

“Hey, you challenged me to a race! Not my problem you lost.”

“It was my birthday and you stole my light bitch! Anyway, I got you this for your birthday and I think now’s the best time to give it you.”

He shoved the box into the others hand, begging his blush to fade away-he could feel it creeping up to his roots. 

The other smiled amused and opened the thin box to reveal a sleek rose gold pen. 

‘It’s a fountain pen. Used for calligraphy and drawing but I don’t see why you can’t use it for school as well.” 

“I…this is…this is really lovely Kojiro. But why are you giving this to me now?” It was rare to see the other so embarrassed and struggling with his words. They were both horrible at giving and receiving gifts and in this moment mirrored each other in how they refused to meet each other’s eyes under the blue sky and sun. 

“When you go into exams you can use this pen and focus on just making art.” Kojiro finally replied, “It doesn’t matter if what you write is right or wrong so long as it’s pretty. Just focusing on making something beautiful on the page and that’s all that matters. Can you do that?”

The silence was long and so painful that Kojiro put his embarrassment to the side for a moment to look at the other boy, if only to reassure himself he didn’t fuck up with this gift. The other boy looked stunned and almost helpless in his surprise. Eyes wide, brows punched together but fingers delicate as it stroked the pen in his hands. 

“Yeah…I think I can do that.” He let out a shuddering breath and the pain in his faces blew way as easily as the breeze and was replaced with a smile; small but bright and Kojiro hearts ached. 

He was so fucking in love it was quite frankly embarrassing. 

They walked the rest of the way to school, still avoiding each other’s eyes until Kojiro shoved him causing the other boy to nearly trip and promptly raced him the rest of the way to school with his board. 

As he skated behind the other boy, his ponytail blowing behind him and stringing him along, Kojiro knew he’d always follow him. That Kaoru was the centre of his universe. If Kojiro was a solid and reliable earth, Kaoru was the sun he revolved around, the one that rejuvenated him whose rays spread over him and brought him to life. And in his duplicity, he was also the moon, calm soothing and mesmerising, while Kojiro was the wild sea- the only thing tying him down was the ever-present moon. Guiding the tides that lay at the moon’s feet waiting and yearning. 

Before Adam showed, Kojiro thought there might have been a chance of Kaoru seeing him as his earth. 

_______________________________________________________________________________________

It was fun at first, being friends with Adam. 

Adam brought them together in a way that was new and exciting and thrilling. They felt freer and more connected in a way that was outside of their bubble, the one that they have formed over the years, a bubble formed of comfort, security, familiarity and understanding. But also silence and things that went unsaid. Their bubble had shifted to let one more person in, someone who had their own secrets and things that went unsaid in a way that bridged between familiarity and excitement. 

But Kojiro only ever saw Adam as an extension of their bubble, something new and exciting but not something that could bend their shape or alter who they were to each other. Kojiro would be content with or without Adam because at the end of it all he had Kaoru; his bookend, his other parenthesis and the only other puzzle piece he needed to complete his picture. Adam was like a ripple, exciting and new and unexpected but nothing life altering, nothing necessary. 

And while Kaoru was clearly closer to the other boy (eyes drawn to him like a fly to a night lamp, like Icarus to the sun. A dangerous attraction that stomped on his own self-worth and perseverance.) Kojiro has an understanding of Adam that Kojiro (in his blindless in the face of the awe that was Adam) clearly lacked. An understanding that Adam also saw them as momentary. As a fleeting excitement or a doll that loses its appeal after a few games. 

Which was why he wasn’t surprised when the other moved away without a word. Not surprised, hurt or concerned. 

The same could not be said for Kaoru. 

And Kojiro understood. He knew where this pain and sorrow of abandonment came from. This need to please and be loved but those who clearly didn’t have the ability to. He was so god damn optimistic, so filled with hope and love he thought anyone could be redeemed. That if he just tried hard enough, they would love him. It was why he could never love Kojiro the way Kojiro loved him. It was because Kojiro loved him so much that Kaoru could never return it. He was too busy proving he was worthy of love to those who could never give it to him. 

And Kojiro knew all this, understood this about the other boy for as long as he knew him. From the countless time he had given his father the benefit of the doubt, that he stayed wake waiting for reply, a word, a hello from his father. He knew. 

It was too bad Kojiro loved him despite it all. And too bad he loved him too much to every give him the mercy of silence and space. 

“Are you done feeling sorry for yourself?” he demanded, banging into the room. He could never do anything with subtlety. 

He hadn’t been to Kaoru’s childhood home since that faithful day before he moved away. In fact, he’d never been inside of his home before but he definitely made himself at home as he banged the door closed and threw himself beside Kaoru, who had not moved an inch, curled up underneath his blanket. Just like that day, it was Kaoru’s father who had let him in, just as silent and soul sucking as he had been all those years ago. He doesn’t know how Kaoru (who brought life into every room he entered) could be related to him. 

When there was no reply Kojiro made the decision to rip the blanket off the other boy. Still curled up with his hair ruffled and glare in place, he looked like an infuriated bird. 

“Fuck off. Can you see I’m trying to sleep?”

“Are you serious right now? You’ve been ignoring my texts, haven’t been in school and this is what you have for me? Why don’t you fuck off cause this is bullshit Kaoru!”

He couldn’t explain why Kojiro silence had caused him so much pain. Like the other boy had been in his life one moment and taken away for good in the next. The thought of Kaoru ignoring him felt terrifying, caused his hands to shake, made him pace, made him want to hug the other boy and never let him go. Made him think of his brother who had always been there and suddenly left as if he was never there to begin with. 

There was something like hesitation in Kaoru’s frown, he sat up to look at Kojiro. When Kojiro got loud, Kaoru got quiet, this was no exception. 

“What is wrong with you? Why are you so upset?” 

Kojiro was too angry to acknowledge the concern and confusion in the other’s voice. 

“Are you an idiot? Why am I upset? Maybe because you find it so easy to let some asshole get between us like that! To make you this upset! His not worth all this,” He waved his arms around gesturing to the mess that Kaoru would never have allowed himself to be in, the pyjamas he clearly hasn’t changed out of for a while. Kaoru blushed, a mixture of anger and embarrassment. “His not worth all this and his definitely not worth losing me after.”

“I didn’t realise I was losing you.” Voice quiet, deadly and piercing. 

“It feels like you’re trying to! You won’t reply to me, you won’t talk to me. You’ve never been like this to me. You’ve been upset but you’ve always let me in.” 

“I’m not in the mood to help sooth your bruised ego Kojiro. Believe it or not the world doesn’t revolve around you.”

“Don’t do this. Don’t turn this into something it’s not. This is about us. You’re letting him get between us and letting him get to you. This isn’t about me or my ego.” 

“Like hell it isn’t! You can’t handle the fact that I have friends outside of you. That I’m not thinking about you or hanging out with you. You want me all to yourself but fucking grow up.” 

“Kaoru…” he took a deep breath and in to swallow his anger. He reached out for the other’s hand, knowing it would centre him and keep him from exploding, from saying something he shouldn’t. 

Kaoru ripped his hands away, folding it under his arms. 

“Look…you’re my best friend…and I care about you a lot. I want you to be happy and Adam isn’t going to make you happy. He doesn’t care about you the way I do. Doesn’t know you like I do. Especially if he’s willing to just leave like that.

“Oh, and let me guess.” His took on the teasing tone he was so used to hearing, so familiar and comforting, but it was laced with something else. Something cruel. “You care about me? What are you, in fucking love with me? Get over yourself Kojiro.” 

Kojiro felt himself flush, heart racing and hands clenched together so tightly it burned. 

“I-”, his throat felt tight. Like Kaoru’s word hand strangled him. His words, while always sarcastic, now had a tint of maliciousness, of meanness that Kaoru would never let himself come to. Cruelty stemmed from his own hurt. Kojiro had no idea how much Kaoru believed in what he was saying (He knows. He must know, it was so obvious how much Kojiro loved him, was in love with him. Nothing got past Kaoru) and it hurt him that for the first time Kojiro couldn’t understand Kaoru, couldn’t read behind the layer of his voice, read between the lines of his brows and his frown. All he could see was his desire to hurt. 

They always did mirror each other. 

“And you? You’re in love with Adam aren’t you. It’s obvious your obsessed with him.” 

“Get out of my room.” His face was pale and lips were in a thin line. 

“He’s not going to love you back no matter what you do no matter how much you cry. Some people just won’t love you, get over it.” 

“Oh, like you?” he cocked an eyebrow, mocking. 

“No, like your dad. You grovel over him and let him walk all over you just so he can smile at you. Just like you do with Adam.”

Kojiro couldn’t count how many arguments they have gotten into. Petty and fun and childish and serious and all of those combined in one. Kaoru eyes had been filled with fire, with ice and wickedness and delight but never with a layer of tears. Not until this time. 

He didn’t have to be told to leave, he got up after a period thunderous silence. The kind of silence that preludes the end. 

He never did go back to the Sakurayashiki household.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God I love these two so much!Next chapter will be the final chapter (and my god will it be a lot happier!!) 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated!


End file.
